Parenting: SEX TALK Part 2—Framing Your Discussion on Sexuality

September 14, 2011

Understanding the Coat Rack of Sexual Truth

As a parent, you are seeking to build a “coat rack” of truth that will be the life framework for each of your children. In this case, you are helping them to develop a solid, Christian worldview on sexuality. Everything they hear or learn from numerous other people or multiple additional sources – good and bad, trusted and dangerous – needs to ideally fall into a context of the truth that you intentionally passed on to them. This “coat rack” is their reference point; your words are their most trusted source of reality on life’s issues. Know what you believe and why. Be sure that your training is based on the difference God makes in a life and on His word. Then your kids will be able to hang all the new data that comes their way onto this core framework of truth that you taught them. No matter what Information comes their way; they will know where they stand on it and will know where they can place it into their worldview. Each kid needs to say, “I’ve talked about that with my parents – I know where I stand.” They can’t be caught flat-footed on sexual issues. Help them be prepared.

Why You Want Your Pre-Teen to Hear about Sex from You First…

1. OUT OF YOUR CONTROL

As committed as you may be, you can’t control all the input that comes into your child’s life. Hundreds of cultural forces are daily crashing upon your child’s life like the incessant, thunderous waves on the seashore. You are fighting against the negative messaging of TV, radio, commercials, movies, podcasts, the Internet, games, online social networking, text messages, billboards, Hollywood, as well countless real voices in your child’s world; day care workers, teachers, siblings, relatives, peers, neighborhood friends, schoolmates, baby sitters, coaches, employers and more.

2. GIVE ENTRY LEVEL TRUTH

Your values and perspectives on all life and sexuality issues need to be given clearly to become the framework for everything else they will hear.

3. SEXUAL CONFUSION REIGNS

Our world is upside down when it comes to sexual freedoms and values. Left un-coached, your children will experience much grief and their lives will end up in a real mess. Spare them the pain – teach them early and well.

4. INNOCENCE RETAINED

While it is important to monitor what your children are listening to and watching in their pre-teen years, it is wise not to try to shelter them completely. You won’t always be there and they need to grow up. The best you can do is to help them be as prepared to face the outside world as possible. Coach them sensitively but deliberately.

5. AGAINST THE FLOW

Aligning your family with God’s standards for life is so counter-cultural. Jesus talked about the broad and narrow roads – one leads to destruction and the other to life. The clearer you teach and live the message the greater chance you have to anchor your kids in truth.

6. NOT TRUSTING OTHERS

Your child’s well-being and sexual worldview doesn’t happen by accident. Too often parents make the assumption that the church, the school, or youth leaders will cover the sexual area of life. Let these many trusted others compliment what you intend to teach your kids.

7. THE POWER OF THE INTERNET

The Internet is NOT regulated. Every other media source is regulated by governmental guidelines. Further, its influence is increasingly pervasive because for a child now, being online has long passed TV for being the number one pastime. Google has become a verb and is growing to be the new source of all truth.

8. OSMOSIS HAPPENS

Without being intentional, your children will reflect the surrounding culture in growing measure. The public interaction of peer to peer is not regulated. The families of your child’s friends may carry different values. The culture of your home and the values of your life and family need to clearly and intentionally be their primary source of truth.

How to Frame the Discussion on Sexuality in a Good Way…

1. LIFE PASSAGE

Remember, sex was God’s idea and is a good thing and a part of life for us all. All kids need to work through these developmental issues. You should try to relax and seek to talk about sexual interest and intimacy in as healthy and normal way as possible.

2. NO SHAME

We shouldn’t be ashamed to talk about what God wasn’t ashamed to create. Talk respectfully but very openly about the issues that your kids are going to face.

3. POSITIVE APPROACH

Tone is a big thing. Be loving, encouraging and authentic. While you shouldn’t hesitate to give warnings and cautions, do it out of genuine love and not with a sense of threat or pending disappointment.

4. MODEL WELL

Live with a healthy respect of your spouse and the opposite sex in every way. Drop all sexual jokes and demeaning or derogatory comments about the other sex. I learned long ago that there are 3 things you shouldn’t joke about – especially with your kids – God, sex and your spouse.

5. CLARITY ESTABLISHED

You want them to hear it ALL from you FIRST so you know it is clear, accurate, balanced, Biblical and positive. This way you can put the correct “spin” on it through your tone.

6. VALUES APPLIED

The key to genuine success in your pre-teen sex talk is that your values and attitudes about sexuality get effectively transferred along with the truths about sex. They get what’s right and wrong and why.

7. SET THE BAR

You have the privilege to determine the sexual standards that your child might live by the rest of their life. You want to be the first one to introduce your pre-teen to as many of the sexually explosive and explicit topics about sex as is possible.

8. START EARLY

Age appropriate discussions about sex should be encouraged and a normal part of great parenting. Don’t miss the chance to set the tone on their sexual thinking before others get to them.

9. BUILD CONFIDENCE

The higher the self-worth of the teen the more confident they are and the freer they will be to say no to pressure in the sexual area. Don’t tease or mock them about sexual changes. Share in their excitement and anticipation of the onslaught of puberty.