Parenting: SEX TALK Part 3—Covering the Key Sexual Topics
Here are the Top 40 Topics to discuss with your child in your Pre-Teen Sex Talk. Recognize that though you may not cover all of these issues in one sitting, know that they all still need to be discussed over a short span of time. It is better not to overload one session but have a weekend away or two or three nights in 10 days or so. Remember, you do want them to hear it from YOU first though you may feel they seem too innocent right now. Truth is never wrong to tell. Attach your values throughout so they have your heart on it all.
For the actual talk, you may want to use these points as your guideline through the talk. I put them in a logical sequence so you can work right through the list and check off each idea as you cover it. Say it in your words. Explain it so they get it. You may dwell on some concepts longer than others. Some may only take a minute or so. No problem. Add examples and illustrations to get the point across. Helping them understand the truth is what matters. God bless you on this journey of being intentional and wise parents.
God-Honouring Views on Human Sexuality…
1. Sex is God’s idea. He created all living things to have a male and female counterpart to reproduce each one after their own kind.
2. God created men and women to be sexual creatures to be able to enjoy their sexual differences within a marriage and to enjoy having children within a family.
3. The world’s standards about sexuality are often in contrast to God’s standards and appear to take anything that God created as good – sex included – and twist or pervert it so it becomes far less than God intended.
4. Sex gets trivialized and vandalized by our society. Sex is used to sell. Point out ways that the culture capitalizes on sexual interest. Refer to examples in media: magazines, commercials, movies, TV, Internet, billboards and more. Discuss the expectations and assumptions about sex that is conveyed.
5. Sex is a powerful drive. It is a new appetite that you will acquire rather suddenly. Pressures from within you and from without you will be strong to engage in sex before marriage.
6. God’s plan for sexuality is clearly counter-cultural and yet so simple. His design is for one man and one woman to enjoy exclusive intimacy for life.
7. Start early casting the dream about waiting for God to reveal His gift to them for their life partner. Challenge them to trust in God knowing that He has someone in mind for you – perfectly suited for you.
8. We are to be faithful to that one person we will marry for the rest of our lives. Sex is enjoyed only with that one person, your spouse, after you are married. Sex, as God intended, is worth waiting for.
9. Faithfulness to your spouse – the person you will one day marry – starts right now, long before you are married. An extramarital affair involves sexual unfaithfulness with any person other than your spouse. God doesn’t want you to mess around with people either before or after you are married.
10. See your sexuality as a gift from God to give to your spouse on the Honeymoon night. Just like opening a gift before Christmas or opening someone else’s gift spoils the event, the surprise and its specialness, premarital sexual involvement makes the wedding and the gift of sex rather lack luster.
11. Know what the Bible says about sexuality and share your views and understanding of it.
Understand the Normal Sexual Changes…
12. Puberty is a time of change within the bodies of all preteen boys and girls. This is the time when the sexual capacity awakens. It’s like God downloads a new interest and capacity into young people and the timing of it varies.
13. A growing interest in the opposite sex is a normal and healthy part of puberty. It includes both a physical and sexual draw as well as an emotional and relational appeal. Talk about the transition into puberty where the mind and the body “come of age” as youth become aware and alive to this new drive or appetite.
14. A growing curiosity into sexuality itself is normal and healthy as it corresponds to the new sexual capacity and strong new sex drive.
15. Reinforce that sex is a good thing and should be seen at as a gift from God to look forward to. Sex needs to be seen as both fun and sacred, viewed with both anticipation and caution, and a valuable gift to be treasured.
16. Sexual abstinence before marriage is a great decision and God’s design and norm for our family.
17. Give your reasons why having sex before marriage is wrong both biblically and emotionally. Sexual abstinence – why having sex is for marriage. Do you want to marry a person who has had sex with many others? Not likely.
The Nature of Sexuality: How it Works…
18. Explain the following purposes of sexuality in marriage:
– Promote unity – the joy of oneness between husband and wife
– Pleasure your partner – the joy of the fun, thrill and refreshing of each other
– Prevent fornication – the joy of faithfulness by focusing on one person
– Produce identity – the joy of role-fulfillment as a man and a woman
– Procreate children – the joy of parenting – one of life’s greatest rewards
19. Explain what transpires in sexual intercourse. What it is? How does it happen? Explain the naturalness and the beauty of it. This was God’s plan and this is how you got here.
20. Explain the miracle of how a baby is conceived through intercourse, the nature of pregnancy, the development of the child, the process of childbirth and even the nature of breast-feeding.
21. Explain contraception and the basic methods of prevention – the pill and the condom. Be prepared to discuss your thoughts on when a person should consider using them.
22. Discuss the implications of premarital pregnancy, the common myths about how people get pregnant, that you can get pregnant the first time you try and what abortion is.
Understanding the Female Anatomy…
(to be shared with both girls and boys)
23. Discuss puberty and the accompanying body changes in girls. Understand this is the beginning of the transition into looking more like and becoming a woman. It is the beginning of carrying a new sexual capacity to create children. This process is triggered by the release of hormones into your body. It happens at different ages for different kids. For girls, the changes include developing breasts and hips, growing pubic and underarm hair, blemishes, emotional ups and downs, and the start of the menstrual cycle.
24. Explain the Menstrual Cycle: Why it is there? What happens during it? How should it be handled? What are the practical guidelines that need to be given to remove fears and uncertainty? Present a positive perspective on the menstrual cycle.
25. Discuss the nature and purpose of the womb, ovaries, breasts, vagina, uterus and eggs. Draw or show simple diagrams to convey better understanding where needed.
26. Coaching Girls Emotionally and Relationally:
a. Teach them about modesty.
b. Teach them they have a right to say no.
c. Remind them to keep their hands off – wait until they are married.
d. Help them understand maleness – they are visually stimulated
e. Taking responsibility for your actions during menopause.
Understanding the Male Anatomy…
(to be shared with both boys and girls)
27. Discuss puberty and the accompanying body changes in boys. Understand this is the beginning of the transition into looking more like and becoming a man. It is the beginning of carrying a new sexual capacity to create children. This process is triggered by the release of hormones into their body. It happens at different times for different kids. For boys, the changes include growing bigger, growing pubic, underarm, and facial hair, and the beginning of internal sexual drives.
28. Explain Nocturnal Emission: This phenomenon is sometimes called “wet dreams”. Discuss also the reason and the means for the hardening of the penis.
29. Discuss the nature and purpose of the penis, testicles, sperm, semen, erection, and ejaculation.
30. Coaching Boys Emotionally and Relationally:
a. Understand the strong attraction to women and noticing and liking shapes, figures, and pretty girls.
b. Help them to understand femaleness with the high need of emotional closeness.
c. Teach respect of women. Discourage pressuring into any type of sexual contact.
d. Remind them to keep their hands off – wait until they are married.
e. Taking responsibility for your actions in control of your sex-drive.
31. Discuss your views on masturbation and the normal process of sexual self-discovery in both girls and boys. Give cautions on its addictive allure without creating guilt.
Other Sexual Issues to Explain…
32. Discuss healthy personal and family privacy and sexual boundaries with siblings, cousins and friends whether peers or younger than them.
33. At some point, it will be wise to talk through the main slang terms for each of the sexual terms. They are going to hear it and wonder what it means. Teach them it is NOT the way to talk about sexuality.
34. Talk through the power, the corruption and the effects of pornography on your future sex life whether watched on the Internet, in movies, in magazines or even live. Warn regarding the dangers of “sexting” as a criminal offence.
35. Petting is the sexual touching of all that is normally covered by clothing with those they will date.
36. Oral sex is not okay. Though you may not get pregnant, it compromises who you are and your sexual freedom in the future. It is reserved for married couples when they are comfortable.
37. Sexually Transmitted Infections – HIV warning needed.
38. Rape, sexual assault and sexual harassment.
39. Gay, lesbian, & homosexual.
40. Pedophiles, sexual predators, and child abuse.
Learn more here: The DFR Sex Talk Series
*Podcasts are also available for Sex Talk Part 1, 2, 3, 5: HERE
Image used with permission from 123rf.com/image#46787272
© Dr. Dave Currie